She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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