Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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