i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
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