Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize