So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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