As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
