He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
