Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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