he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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