I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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