If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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