Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize