I murdered the dance floor call the cops
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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