I could make wine with my vomit
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
