Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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