there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
