Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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