Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
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