I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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