Hey man sorry I got all grabby
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
