a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
