some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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