I wish my penis had an off switch
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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