apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
