if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
