I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
