remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
