I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
