dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
i dont even know how to be here
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
40s are totally the cure
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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