Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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