I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize