Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Acid is not a monday night drug
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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