i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
