it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I can text with my tongue
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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