I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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