I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
