Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
