Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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