Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
