Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
