Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
We're using joints as your birthday candles
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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