you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize