every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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