why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
