You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
