not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
