When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
