ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
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