i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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