If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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