I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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