True but thats because hes a fetus.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
