Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize