Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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