Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
