I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
