3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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