i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
