I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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