When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
