sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize
