if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
