no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
