I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize