What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize
