Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
