i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
